Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.