Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture