My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”