My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
oh shit
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.