Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days