My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.