Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.