My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
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My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest