My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
😂 amazing answer
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.