my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom