my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.