my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
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That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.