My back has gone out more than I have this year.
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My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Ah yes. The three genders
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea