My back has gone out more than I have this year.
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Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”