My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.