My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
📽️movie date🎞️
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard