My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.