My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.