my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again