My background check bounced.
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample