My background check bounced.
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Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
He took my last fry, your honor
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.