My background check bounced.
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Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
this is the best day of my life
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Fixed this for Shakespeare
😂😂😂
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then