My bad habits got renewed for another season.
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My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
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Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
britain’s three elite institutions
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.