My bad habits got renewed for another season.
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11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.