Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

The French cow says MEUX…

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.