My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
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[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭