Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ candidates for local office

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Banderslack Clamberdorch

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.