my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
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growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested