Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.