My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
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I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.