My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
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I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The glory of fall.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
(more comics:
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work