My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.