Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Simple enough.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops