[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
You Might Also Like
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
#dalle2
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.