[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets