Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.
I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.
See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Listen, I’ve been stuck atop this condemned lighthouse for weeks now, and you don’t hear me complaining. No one does
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I know what I’m getting for Christmas.
Fat. I’m getting fat.
If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone’s bicycle.
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”