[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
accurate
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.