My bank account just slapped me three times and said “get ahold of yourself”
You Might Also Like
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Saturday
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over