My bank account just slapped me three times and said “get ahold of yourself”
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
see next tweet for some translations
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
These are so Plastic Man-core
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?