Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.