Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Phonetics

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here