My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Herpes is trending, good job people
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT