My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
What number SPF blocks people?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom