Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.