My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
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I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.