My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
My last name is Zilla.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
SPLOOT
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.