Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Stop sending me this shit.

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.