My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
his wife is probably gonna see that
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.