@LOLrakshak

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

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@withanewname

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

@ArfMeasures

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

@NickSwardson

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

@dafloydsta

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

@coolauntV

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

@1KelliBelle

My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?

@SukaSycho420

So we need to go over your drug history…

Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.

@form52

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay