My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
This could be us but you eatin’
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.