My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
first you must answer his riddles
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
🙁
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur