My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
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“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
what’s more important?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.