My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
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Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Guilty! 🤪
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]