My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.