My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.