Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know