My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
how to market bottled water to dads
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again