Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

Come back with a warrant

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”