My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
181.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.