My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded