Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

i dont have time for this

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.