My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Uh oh…
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.