Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.