My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
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Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”