Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.