my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
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When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
*gets down on one knee*
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Perfect
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now