My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
You Might Also Like
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
is this how new cars are made??
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.