My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing