My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I hate everything
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.