My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
You Might Also Like
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
WHY would you be happy about this?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.